UCB Theater in Manhattan

Amy Poehler, Jack McBrayer (Kenneth from 30 Rock!), Rachel Dratch from SNL, and others doing improv comedy for 90 minutes. Price? Free.

Ruskies showing me up

Fuck.

Russia invaded Georgia's breakaway Ossetia region yesterday. Hey, Russia--you've had your turn as the lovable, nuclear-equipped communist rogue who bangs shoes on podiums and threatens to TESTFIREAMISSILEATJAPAN1!!1!!

Ahem.

In case you don't get the news there in Siberia (which you probably don't, you censoring wannabe democratic bastards), I am the new Eurasian badass. You are old hat. Your days are over. I still kidnap Japs and torture American vets while you run around dismantling your secret police. Please. You're lucky Georgia's way the hell on the other side of the continent. Cause I'd hella invade it in a second. A second.

Then I'd testfire a missile over Japan.

Love,
Kim-Jong Il
Great Leader

VBS.tv violated the Fatherland!

So I wake up this morning and sip my shochu, log onto the intertubes expecting to see coverage of my speech last night, and instead get this drivel:

The Vice Guide to North Korea

Apparently, VBS.tv, whatever the hell that means, sent pseudo-reporter Shane Smith to invade The Democratic Republic of North Korea with a digital videocamera. Smith ran around the country willy-nilly. He escaped from my guards. He filmed my treasures. He mocked the glorious feasts we laid out for him. He played ping-pong with our prostitutes. He filmed it all and put it online.

Shane Smith, this is not cool. Not cool at all. I'm furious. I'm THIS close to test-firing a missile at Japan.

It's raining fire.

Dear Diary,

Sorry I couldn't write for a couple days.

Radioactive ash rains down on Pyongyang. Holes burning through the palace roof. Citizens starving. Hummer's fine, though. More to come.

Love,
Kim Jong Il

Mushrooms are failing us.

Dear Diary,

The mushroom crop is failing. Sucks for us; selling mushrooms to Japan happens to be one of our most profitable exports, second only to shipping uranium to Syria. We're looking at a long, cold winter without the heating oil usually bought by mushroom profits.

Maybe we could heat the country by exploding another warhead. I hear nuclear fallout is quite warm. I'll order my manservant to start the countdown. Tomorrow's entry will have the results of this experiment.

Love,

Kim Jong Il

Malaysian Manservants are not a luxury item

Dear Diary,

America has cut off my supply of “luxury items.” Excuse me, but lobsters, filet mignon, caviar, Hummer H2s, Malaysian manservants, and pet peacocks are not luxuries, they're NECESSITIES. Premier George Bush think making life uncomfortable for me will inspire my resignation. Joke's on them! I'll never resign! This doesn't make me want to quit, it just makes me sad. I cried a little today. A tear was shed for lobster dinners never to be eaten, Hummers never to be driven, and manservants never to be beaten.

In a rage blinded by tears and Russian vodka (thank god the Russians haven't cut me off), I test-fired a missile at Japan. I felt a little better after that.

Love,
Kim Jong Il

Skype breakup avoided

Dear Diary,

China's Premier called on Skype and tried to break up with me. I talked him out of it. Got me so angry, though, that I test-fired a missile at Japan just to spite him. Ha!

Love,
Kim Jong Il

China doesn't like my hobbies

Dear Diary,

Just got off the phone with the Chinese Premier. He's upset. I don't understand why. He said all my missile tests were messing up his business deals with America. He said I can't stir up shit if I expect him to give me fissile nuclear material. I just don't understand. I've done so much for him! Here I am, singlehandedly holding the line against the South Korean rebels and waving toy guns at the 50,000 Americans on my southern border, and China wants me to stop my favorite hobby, test-firing missiles at Japan? What's next—should I stop throwing bricks at manservants, too? LOL

I think the whole thing will blow over. If I stopped launching dud missiles into the sea, America and Japan might actually focus on China for a change. I'm sure they'd like that.

Love,
Kim Jong Il

On South Korea and rice

Dear Diary,

I don't know about this Lee Myung-bak, the new President of South Korea. Last week, he pulled some heinous shit, talking about how he wasn't going to give us any food assistance until we stopped trying to build nuclear bombs. That made me so angry. When my manservant walked into my palatial chambers and delivered the news, I threw a brick at him. (I keep a pile of bricks laying around for just this purpose.) As he clutched his bleeding skull, I summoned another manservant and plucked out his left eye. Then I grabbed the phone and called the Army Chief to tell him I wanted to “test fire” another missile at Japan. (I keep a pile of missiles laying around for just this purpose.) I totally fired a fucking missile at Japan. FIRED A MISSILE!

Then I faxed a letter to the Associated Press to tell them I was “very angry at the hostile threats issued by Lee Myung-bak, and if he keeps this up, I'll bomb Seoul into glass. Then I'll TESTFIRE ANOTHER MISSILE!” Then I testfired a missile.

I think they learned their lesson. In fact, I can hear the sound of rice trucks outside right now. I better go.

Love,

Kim Jong Il